Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
