for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
