my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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