the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
