I'm lost and stupid without you.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
