You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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