drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
