matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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