What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
