dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
She told me I should be a condom model.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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