Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
