I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
