I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
