I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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