I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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