I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
This beer is not sobering me up at all
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
