ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
