Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
nutella sex= disaster
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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