i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
