I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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