alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
