Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
