At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
