Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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