farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
