zippers are such a cool invention
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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