Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
