You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize