Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
