Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
