I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
