just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
