so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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