I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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