I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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