i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize