my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Lo siento on account of my penis...
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