life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
