DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
