did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
