This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
