Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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