I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
