i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
