You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
