Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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