I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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