I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Randomize
