I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
