I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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