Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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