return my video game
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize