I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Sorry my hands just texted you
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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