how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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