I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
