sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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