I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Randomize
