Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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