the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
